Tuesday, May 19, 2009

My New Hedge Fund

Let's see what's in the news today....
Bidders interested in two luxury properties previously owned by disgraced attorney Marc S. Dreier may want to head to the Hamptons next month.

Last week, Southern District of New York Chief Bankruptcy Judge Stuart M. Bernstein set a June 17 auction date for properties at 109 and 111 Dune Road in East Quogue, N.Y., that were seized by prosecutors following Dreier's arrest in December. A report by Mark F. Pomerantz, who acted as receiver in Securities and Exchange Commission v. Dreier, 08 Civ. 10617, said selling the homes could generate $12.5 million or more.
Okay, that does it. Enough with this honest, law-abiding lifestyle. I'm starting a hedge fund.

Here's the deal: I'll invest your money in really expensive stuff that I get to use. And I guarantee you returns at least as large as you would have got from Madoff, had he used honest accounting principles. Send checks to....

What? You're not interested? Well, be like that. (For your information, that pitch works with four out of five former Madoff investors.)

Say... Wanna invest in my new bank? More or less the same deal, but with a better chance of a government bailout after I spend your money.


  1. If that doesn't work, you can do what some people were (allegedly) doing in my district...creating ghost employees and taking their paychecks for themselves.

  2. I have a bunch of ghosts who work for me. They're cheap - they literally can't pick up their paychecks - but really, they're a bunch of lightweights. They don't produce anything of substance.


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