Thursday, December 13, 2007

Campaign Songs for 2008

For some reason, political candidates like to select theme songs for their campaigns. I don’t think that’s sufficiently democratic – even Hillary Clinton’s vote was limited to a handful of songs – so I thought I would make some suggestions.

Republican Candidates
  • Mitt RomneyEverything To Everyone, by Everclear. A song about a habitual appeaser for a man who will say anything to get elected, even if he said something completely different fifteen seconds earlier. The song is about how appeasement leads to failure, and I suspect that it will prove to be on the mark.

  • Mike HuckabeeMissionary Man, by the Eurythmics. Although the imagery may be a bit too “papist” for a Baptist minister, I suspect that behind his smile lurks a missionary man every bit as severe as the subject of this song. And is that a mountain of money, no... Target Gift Cards piled up to his chin?

  • John McCainMy Back Pages, by Bob Dylan. He probably hates the song, but he is a man largely defined by the Vietnam War, and fans of Nostradamus can probably relate every passage to something in McCain’s career. As a soldier and statesman he learned a lot of life’s lessons, but Pat Robertson need not worry – he’s younger than that now.

  • Rudy GiulianiLet’s Have A War, by Fear. For the candidate who never mentions 9/11... or is it his windfall profits that he never mentions.

  • Tom TancredoWhite Minority, by Black Flag. It could be background music for his next anti-immigrant commercial, conveniently ending with the declaration, “We’re all going to die!

  • Fred ThompsonAct Naturally, by Ringo Starr. For ironic effect.

  • Ron PaulFool On The Hill, by The Beatles. There may be more to him than meets the eye, but few seems to notice.

  • Duncan HunterWho Are You, by The Who. How many people even remember that he’s a candidate, let alone have any idea what he stands for?

Democratic Candidates
  • Hillary ClintonLove The One You’re With, by Stephen Stills. I don’t at all mean to diminish Hillary Clinton’s own record of achievements, or her own qualifications as a candidate. But there’s a reason her support hasn’t wavered in the face of innuendo about Bill’s return and a “co-presidency.” But for the Twenty-Second Amendment….

  • Barack ObamaAnything You Can Do, by Irving Berlin. Don't be fooled - his platform is better than anybody else’s, and if you doubt that… just ask him. (But don’t go listening to anybody else.)

  • John EdwardsTwo Princes, by the Spin Doctors. With his humble roots and present wealth, depending on the context he can assume either role - he has one foot in each America. Does that make his proposal more attractive, or less so?

  • Bill RichardsonBreak Stuff, by Limp Bizkit. Not because it exemplifies him, but as an exercise in contrasts. And you can’t argue, that song choice would draw some attention to a campaign that doesn’t otherwise command much notice. If the children’s story of the Tortoise and the Hare has ever been put to music, that would also be a possibility.

  • Joe BidenNew Kid In Town, by the Eagles. He has a legacy of solid work and is hoping for a comeback album, but his stardom seems to have passed in the blink of an eye and the nation seems to think he belongs on the oldies station.

  • Chris DoddShe Will Be Loved, by Maroon Five. He seems like the best friend who has always been there but doesn’t get noticed, even as everybody else breaks your heart.

  • Dennis KucinichPromises, Promises, by Naked Eyes. It’s wonderful what you can promise when you know you have no chance of winning, but what would Kucinich do if he were actually elected?

  • Mike GravelDon’t You (Forget About Me), by Simple Minds. Er, who are we talking about, again? (No offense intended, Mike, but your campaign isn’t resonating. Take solace in the line, "It's my feeling we'll win in the end".)

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